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June 24, 2012

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Tim

My biggest fear was dying alone and then I met my partner and my fear became about him dying in front of me. Now we have children and my biggest fear is one of them dying before me.
As we grow older we should be making stronger and stronger connections with people to have the support we need. We should also be building our faith that God has a plan for our souls. But it doesn't make the idea of death any easier. Listening to Earle Hyman talk about the hospice people coming in and helping him take care of Rolf, I was reminded that our lives are supposed to be based in kindness and grace. As sad as the loss is, the love of 50 years and the dignity and care that facilitated Rolf's death are simply beautiful.

Corey

Hi Tim! Welcome to the blog!
The strange thing is that (in my experience) the older people I know who may (in our eyes) appear closer to death almost always never do. I've only known one older or sick person who was AFRAID to die and that was only because he was mostly ignorant on most counts of everything.

But like you, I too, have some of those fears concerning death and being left alone. Because of the unforeseen circumstances that my partner and I have found ourselves in, I often worry more about his safety and him dying and leaving me. My mother is also faltering and very fragile, and I dread the day when she transitions and what life will be like without her.
I agree with you on every point that you made. EVERY POINT!

We've been tormented so much so by people who call themselves Christians that a lot of us no longer want to hear anything about God at all but God is bigger and better than that and THEM and I thank you for the shout out! We never know how we're going to end up no matter how many plans we make.

And who is any more graceful than God and Grandpa Huxtable? It's such a shame that part of the second spot cuts off when Hyman is right in the middle of talking about his struggle to stay sane. Hospice made my dying father's last days so much more comfortable for ALL of us - if one can call it comfort?! Kindness and grace, indeed!

Thank you for a beautiful comment, Tim.

 way2ec

Dear Corey, I suffer the reverse, not a fear of death, sometimes the wishing for "it all" to be over with. I have struggled with depression more than once in my life. The darkness snuck up on me when I was 17. Only the insight of a dear true friend (a woman in my small town) prevented my slipping over the edge. It will never sneak up on me again. A more serious and prolonged bout more recently cured me of my fear of flying, if the plane went down, oh well, i.e. had to deal with suicide ideation. Reading the possible and quite serious side effects of the medications was almost hilarious, as in what if the medication "cured" the problem permanently. That is the reason that I will wait to see the video above. Been at the bedside of both friends and family right up to the last moment. We the survivors suffer, sending our loved ones on to truly rest in peace takes strength but pays back in tremendous grace. Might be interesting to explore that fear of being alone, as in which is worse, being left alone while still young or left alone when elderly? Sometimes just get so tired of the struggle but then one step in front of the other has served me well. The young ones are the vulnerable ones, they haven't had enough time to discover that one step in front of the other IS enough, doesn't even matter what the "direction" is, "it really does get better". My dad always used his dark humor with this one, nothing stays the same, it might get a whole lot worse, but it never stays the same. He called it Irish humor.

Derrick from Philly

Hey, Way2ec:

Please understand that your statement on this blog is beneficial to other folks who are wondering, "is it all worth it?"

It's people like you who make being alive worth while for people like me. You remind "bitter ol' queens" like me that there are still decent people in this world with honest and kind hearts.

Thanks for sticking around, Way2ec. Please continue to do so, and enjoy what you can.

Corey

I concur with Derrick, Way2ec. Thank you for sharing your heart and not just lip-service; WE CAN FEEL IT and we know it's REAL! Derrick, thank you for honoring and acknowledging Way2ec!

way2ec

Thanks Derrick. Bitter old queens, bitter young queens, it is obvious that it is the bitterness that needs to be dealt with. Oh how to sweeten you up? Is it the regrets that we accumulate? Holding on to the past? Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost always back there haunting the people, places, the what ifs and why did I or why didn't I. Disappointments? The word always makes me think of a making a date with someone and then either it didn't happen or didn't turn out the way it was "supposed" to... and again, always in the past. And being a queen, royalty, but without a prince, or king, nor even a kingdom. Ah to be Queen for a Day, and then it turns into a lifetime in a queendom. And all the people with the honest and kind hearts... but ain't none of them knockin' on MY door... ah yes, exactly what WOULD sweeten me up? Let's ask Corey to consider some posts about queens, old ones, young ones, bitter ones, are there any "lucky" ones? What does it take to make a queen happy, and keep a queen happy? Anyway Derrick, thanks. I'm sending you a smile all the way to Philly.

Derrick from Philly

Hi, way2ec:

First of all, I hope you are a writer because you certainly have a talent for it.

I wish that you could do the things that give enjoyment as much as possible. Note: I did not say "happiness". Some people say, well, what's the difference between happiness and enjoyment? To me, happiness is something that's supposed last for a long time. You know, like a couple that's been together for a while in a loving relationship. Even when one of them goes away, and it's painful--there are still the memories. Those memories make the happiness long lasting.

Enjoyment is a temporary thing for me--but it works. I do things to make me feel better (some of them not too healthy...burp). Something as simple as watching an old Hollywood movie like "Singing In Rain" or "Cabin In the Sky" brings me enjoyment. And, of course, putting on a CD and singing along with Dinah Washington or Ella Fitzgerald (I'm enjoying myself...'course the neighbors aint, but that's tough for them...it aint but a few hours).

As for bad memories? Oh, yes. That's where the bitter part comes in for me. They come and they go. The only cure for them that I can of is the one that I'm too lazy to try: finding things to do every day that are productive. And being around people whose company is valuable to you.

I guess you've got to create good memories to dominate over the bad ones.

A prince, a king, a husband? I always say that I stopped looking for him years ago. But sometimes I think I'm lying. I think I never really looked for him at all. When your expectations are low...well, you never get too disappointed about what you didn't expect or want. (does that make any sense?)

But if you want it, Way2sec, then I pray it happens for you. It's never too late. I've heard of it happening to folks well into their senior years. You've got to go to places and venues where it's possible to meet someone who is worth your time, energy, and affection.

Yep, I hope it happens for you. I hope he finds you.

 way2ec

Dear Derrick, Guess we will have to wait to ask Corey to post something for us, do so hope he is recovering well. My turn to thank you for kind and warm hearted thoughts. Your last post makes me think of "looking for love in all the wrong places"... but then I kept asking myself, what are the "right" places? I like your take on happiness and enjoyment. Seems the "trick" is to find that other who enjoys the same things (at the same times) as we do. Sending you another big smile all the way to Philly.

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